New Start

As human beings we are naturally very social creatures, we crave love, friendship, companionship, communication and I spend my days at work in a ‘social isolation’ type environment with no one to communicate with excluding the occasional phone call from a colleague at another branch or my boyfriend when he has time off work; an almost idyllic way to earn money? For someone who suffers from depression and anxiety it’s pretty much the worst kind of job to have, but it’s a job nonetheless and it pays my bills.
I sit in my little ‘box’ watching the world go by outside and drive myself crazy, I plan my diet out meticulously, have calorie counts, meal and snack ideas all written down on bits of till roll, only to find myself an hour later running across the road to indulge in an obscenely sized muffin which will completely blow my count for the day. Then afterwards, sitting at this desk; hammering away the water to fend off the inevitable ‘why did I eat something so sickly’ regret, I grab the calculator and re work everything out to counteract it; how many kilometres on the treadmill I’ll need to get in after work to limit the damage as much as possible. Not the healthiest frame of mind to have I know but I’m working on it, amongst everything else on my ‘to do’ list right now. I calculate and plan things down to a minute detail and then throw it out the window as soon as I leave, it’s almost as if when I’m ‘closed off’ from the world in box I’m in another world where no one can get to me (thank you pincode only entry and what I can only hope is bullet proof glass) and I’m free to think without a distraction, although I’m yet to come to a conclusion if that is a good or bad thing.
That’s where this blog/online journal/diary comes in. I want to start writing consistently and this seems like a very good way to do that, share my stories, feelings, musings, novel excerpts I love. Just to share a little bit of me with the world, and try and improve my mental health and state of mind at the same time. I love writing, when I actually sit down and do it, but I tend to overthink things (probably incredibly obvious from this article…Can I call it an article? I’m going too) and end up giving up and distracting myself with something else. Here in the ‘box’ I have all the time in the world to sit and think and I want to use that time more productively (although my managers idea of productive in work and mine may differ slightly) and just write whatever’s going on in my warped serotonin deprived mind that day.



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