After speaking to my doctor earlier today I have taken her advice to take some time out and she signed me off work for two weeks. As I write this I have mixed feelings about it, that damn box was driving me to insanity and I know this will be a positive thing in the long run, yet I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m not ill enough to justify that. I’m depressed, there is no denying that, but my job isn’t physically demanding so surely I can just get on with it? I’m not spending my days sobbing into my pillow or hurting myself again so why can’t I be in work for the four or five days over the next two weeks? But then I’ll never be ‘ill’ enough to justify it in my own head.
I’ve started and edited this post about twenty times and I can’t get out what I want to explain so I’m taking the pressure off myself and hopefully that’ll help a bit in getting it down and out there.
My manager wasn’t too happy about it, but I desperately need a few days to just relax completely and find myself again. Christmas was an insane amount of pressure for me, not being able to be alone and surrounded by people all the time as well as working and the worry of family mixing with my boyfriend and the thought of fights etc. I spent way too much time worrying about what could possibly happen and in reality it was wonderful. I just feel like I’ve been all go since then and like I’m on the edge of something terrible happening if I don’t change something. I realise that’s probably the anxiety and not a legitimate fear but in the moment its difficult to decipher between the two.
I’ve had the last two days off, today has been stressful worrying about what family/work thinks of my choice etc and so I need the weekend to relax a bit. Switch off, get plenty of sleep and read. I’m really looking forward to not doing much at all except relaxing and probably lots of cuddles and movie afternoons with my boyfriend