Being in love while depressed

*A piece of writing I intended to be part of my NANOWRIMO last year*

Love fascinates me, the idea that the body or something deep inside can create such a life changing feelings for another person is astounding, the feeling of security and safety. Knowing if you’re with that one person nothing bad could possibly ever happen. They’re the only person you wan to talk too or see when you’ve had a bad day at work. You would spend every waking minute with them if it were possible. You are happy, so overcome with happiness you could burst at any moment. You feel the need to tell everyone about the most innate details, like the way their eyes become a slightly different shade of blue when they laugh. How do people notice that? You must have to spend hours looking into their eyes, committing every single detail to memory, becoming so in touch with the colour to notice such a subtle change. You can feel without even speaking what’s going through their mind. Happiness, anger, sadness just by the way they breathe. Sometimes you cant even put your finger on why or how, you just know. I crave that more then anything, that level of comfort that comes with being in love. There are thousands of songs, movies, books all depicting this most incredible feeling. A feeling that takes over you completely, the fact that someone who knows every inch of you and can read you as easily as a map. Its something you don’t truly understand until you’re in it. I know I didn’t; even now I don’t
understand how the thought of not seeing him again will bring on the feelings of such extreme panic within me. Just thinking that I won’t wake up to those cute texts every morning ‘Good morning beautiful, how’s my princess today?’ makes me want to crawl into a hole and never emerge. The thought of it is truly terrifying, so the reality must be so much worse.

Maybe that’s the depression talking I’m not sure. It feels real though, as real as the pain of a blade tearing deep into your skin. The thing with depression is it complicates things, especially love. You end up combating yourself. You see how ridiculous you’re being but its like you cant control yourself anymore, you’re watching yourself doing and saying all the wrong things but you cannot do a thing to stop it. You want nothing more than to let go completely, fall into that person wholly but its like it wont let go. Depression is the rope holding you back. Its the voices in your head telling you constantly how its all gonna end in tears and you have to get yourself out before its too late, before you have no control left. Its a fear, the fear of falling and being so hurt that you’ll never be able to pull yourself out of it again. Thinking logically its ridiculous. You just end up sabotaging the one thing that makes you happiest. You end up terrified of being happy in case it all goes wrong., no one should live like this yet you do. You become convinced the person you love is plotting against you, they’re only with you because they feel sorry for you. Because they’ve seen you so panic stricken at the thought of losing them. They’re putting off the inevitable. That heartbreak. The thing that right now terrifies me more then any phobia ever could. Nothing can hurt me more then to hear those dreaded words from the one who means so much to me. Then you have no choice but to carry on, or face the unspeakable. The only other option that tempts in the background, waiting for that single moment of bravery. The bravery to finally end all the hurt. I’ve been there before, only once before. That incredibly dark and destructive place, where it feels like the world is against you. You’re alone in this and nothing you can do will make you feel better. Not many people understand, even the tiniest most monotonous tasks feel like climbing a mountain. Something as simple as getting out of bed and getting in the shower that people do on a daily basis without thinking twice, is so difficult. You go over and over in your head, what’s the point in it? I’m not going anywhere so I might as well stay in bed. You reinforce it in your head, you justify it to yourself. That’s what ‘it’ wants. I’ve always seen it as a person, this thing that communicates with only you. You’re worst enemy but you can’t seem to let it go. It hurts you, but you become so addicted to it, so embroiled in what it says that you believe every word with all your heart. I’ve never known anything like it, it is all consuming. Takes over every inch of you. I guess you could say its similar to love in that sense. One takes over you with light, the other with darkness. Instead of being so happy you could burst, you end up in such a pit of despair you feel like you will self combust. Love and depression, the highest and lowest things any human could possibly feel. Can they really co exist? Can you genuinely be depressed if you are in love…the happiest feeling in the world? Can you genuinely be in love if you’re depressed?

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