When will it all stop?

Sometimes I wonder when it’ll stop, when I’ll get to a point where I can just be comfortable with who I am, and my body. For years I have obsessed about my weight, and this time last year I thought I’d finally got it in check. I was 240lbs seeing a personal trainer, gym five times a week, eating barely anything. Looking back I looked amazing, but at the time it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be smaller, needed to be smaller. All of my time and effort went into that, working out obsessing over it. Then I started looking into online dating, chatted to a few guys, arranged a date with someone, that someone turned into my current boyfriend and we’ve been together for a year next month. I still don’t know if its because I was happy for the first time in a long time and I just let myself go or eating patterns changed, but the weight crept back on. I kept on top of it for a while, eating takeaways a few times a week but then there was plenty of *ahem* activity that burned it off. (You can use your imagination on that one). Instead of going to the gym after work, I’d see my boyfriend, instead of working out on days off I’d see my boyfriend. Why would I want to be sweating it out and half killing myself when I could be relaxing with the man I love? I started losing weight, if I’m honest, to get men’s attention, I wanted someone to find me, gorgeous, sexy, beautiful…and I found that. I didn’t have to try anymore. I had someone who told me (and still does) daily how sexy and beautiful I was, inside and out.

In September 2014 after some stuff came to a head with work I ended up being put on another anti depressant; sertraline. The last thing on my mind was trying to maintain my weight by exercising or staying under 2000 calories a day. As a result I gained a lot, I kept gaining. As of yesterday I am at 286lbs and when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, I cover up in my boyfriends old baggy t shirts and pyjama bottoms almost all the time. The last thing I wanna do is go outside and have to find something in my wardrobe that actually hides how big I’ve gotten. I’m really working to be comfortable in my own skin, and sometimes I look in the mirror and feel amazing (like yesterday afternoon, I had a serious Kardashian ass moment going on…shame I dont have the waist etc to go along with it) but most of the time I spend hating myself.

When will it all stop? I just want to be happy with myself whatever I look, yeah my stomach might be bloated because of last nights pizza…so I’ll drink lots of water and eat better today. Instead its ‘I’m a fuckup so I’m gonna eat even more and feel even worse about myself’. I just want it to stop.

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