16th Jan

The last few days have been really tough on me mentally, I’ve been struggling with motivation to do anything. I got myself dressed and ready to go to the gym yesterday, then had an anxiety attack at the thought of leaving the house, put my pyjamas back on, laid back in bed and cried for half an hour. Today wasn’t much better, I was ok when I got up, after my shower things just turned. I was kinda manic (don’t like using that term but it explains things best), shaking, felt like I had to be moving and doing something…but my energy just didn’t agree with it. I wanted to scream and shout, hurt myself…something to release this tension that was building up but I couldn’t do any of those. I left my boyfriend alone in my living room and laid in bed and cried…again. Things got better once we’d had a chat and cuddle, sometimes that’s all I want, just to be held and not asked what’s wrong because I’m crying for no reason or my brain just can’t focus enough to explain what’s up.

After about an hour I was ok, then it came back. I didn’t cry this time, just sulked. It was probably not helped by not eating at all yet (this was at around 4.30pm) The tiniest things have me upset, and now I feel incredibly guilty. My boyfriend had a late start tonight at work so spent the day with me and I was sulking and crying for most of it. I just wish I could turn it off and be ok when he’s here and with me and not when I’m alone with no-one to talk too. Although I suppose if I’m gonna have thoughts of self harm again its best that there’s someone there. I really believe I will not go down that road again but its there in that moment. When all I want is that release of so much tension…maybe I need to look into alternatives. Do the whole punching pillows, ripping paper etc thing again.

Now, I’m ok, relaxed and feeling calm again. Maybe this little ‘bad day’ had been building for a while and now its done I can move on from it.

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