The last week/ten days have been really hard, my mood has been at an all time low, and anxiety at an all time high. Even seeing someone who is a massive inspiration to me, Jillian Michaels on her UK Maximise Your Life tour didn’t have the full ‘maximising’ push that I was expecting it too. I guess some things just can’t get past the medication and depression. I’ve barely been sleeping and as a result haven’t even been blogging.
I wanted to blog a little bit about something I’ve realised recently, it doesn’t really matter what happens to you, depression and low moods are all down to your reactions. I’ve dug out a book and cd that was very useful to me in the last ’bout of depression’ about mindfulness and meditating your way through depression (link to the actual book on amazon here). I’m only about fifty pages in at the moment and haven’t started on the actual mindfulness sections as yet but the things they talk about really got me thinking and its something I really do see myself doing a lot. It can just start with a fleeting moment of sadness and then suddenly you start thinking ‘why do I feel this way?’ then all the old patterns come up ‘last time I felt this way, this had happened, then this happened’ and it continues. Hours later you’re still ruminating over something which would have passed in minutes if you’d just accepted it and let it be when it first appeared. Recognising when this happens is a completely different thing as it can become so automatic you don’t even realise its happening or its not ‘normal’. Hopefully now I’m more aware of this it might be easier to spot.
Something I read which worried me immensely was that with each episode of depression your likelihood of another episode increases by something like 16%. It has to be due to the mindsets right? I mean you train yourself to think in such a negative way and unless you re-train then it’ll continue over and over. If I figure any of this out, I’ll let you know.
Therapy hasn’t worked for me, it was too hard and things were being brought up which I wasn’t ready to deal with. I’m really hoping doing this on my own and in my own pace will help more then being stuck in a room for an hour made to talk when a lot of the time I had nothing to say (I blame social anxiety for that one). I don’t expect therapy to be easy but thanks to the NHS when you’re on a time limit with the number of hours before you’re ‘discharged’ (which is usually only 6 sessions) its very difficult to feel comfortable and build up that rapport that I think you need with a therapist.
The medication I’m currently on isn’t having a massive affect (Sertraline 100mg for a month) other than not being able to sleep. I even resorted to taking those stupid ‘kalms sleep’ herbal tablets which left me feeling seriously sick and dizzy all day today and barely made any difference to my sleep last night. So a note to all of you, just cos something is herbal, doesn’t mean it’ll agree with you…take it from my still pretty woozy self.