‘Brain Dump’ 24/03/15

I need to stop, I am letting so much stuff build up that upsets me and I am taking it all out on the person who I care about most. The person who absolutely adores me, it’s breaking me in two.

I really don’t want to do this any more but in the moment I get so irritated at him trying to help me or keep pushing me to talk that I end up just yelling at him for talking sense or being nice to me. I’m upsetting him and it’s breaking my heart. Afterwards it feels like all I can do is apologise and want to hold him and tell him just how much he means to me, but then a few hours later its the exact same situation and I’m getting irritated and shouting about nothing. I want it to be ok, I want to be ok. Nothings been the same since Christmas and its breaking me. I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him but we seem to spend more time arguing then anything else. I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him away and I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be with him completely and be honest. Even after a year its still so hard for me.

As I write this he’s upstairs in my bed ill with food poisoning, I’ve even been snapping at him today cos I’ve had to wash duvets etc and I’m frustrated at the situation of him being sick. He deserves someone better then me, he really does.

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2 thoughts on “‘Brain Dump’ 24/03/15

  1. Hey. I know you write it out just to feel a little burden-less? Let me tell you one thing. I went through the exact same thing, and guess what? I lost him. It’s been 3 months now. I know sometimes you just need someone to let it out on and a lot is clustered up their in your brain.

    Sit down with him and tell him what’s going on, even though you don’t what exactly it is that is bothering you. Tell him how this is not under your control but you just need time and you just want him to tolerate you for a bit more and you’ll be fine. Sweetheart, find a place to go to or find your relaxation point. It will all be okay, but please don’t make the mistake of saying something that you might regret later on and he might regret having you there. Hold on … I swear everything will be fine, just try and sort it out. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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