Goals and General Update

I spent the last few weeks not really bothering with fitness/weightloss Other things were on my mind and it felt so much easier to just eat whatever and relax in my spare time. Now I’m beginning to see changes, massive changed actually, that I don’t like. I’m extremely bloated and just feeling rubbish. I’ve been to the gym three times this week but its been pure comfort eating every night, not just having the odd bar of chocolate…takeaways, binging on Krispy Kreme, crisps, etc whatever I could get my hands on.

I need to get on the scales tomorrow morning, give myself a starting point, a new starting point to focus on fitness and my health. I want to do another run, there’s a 10k in about 5 months time which I’m aiming for at the moment but in all honesty I think its a longshot that I’d be ready in time. The 5k in September (the weekend of the Great North Run) is happening either way. I feel much stronger emotionally and like I can move on with a new chapter. I feel like I’m able to do these things again. I applied for four jobs tonight, FOUR. I want to better myself, I want to be in a position where I can move out of my parents and move onto the next level in my relationship by living together. The job I’m in at the moment might be my ‘comfort blanket’ but if I don’t change it, either get a contract with more hours or move to find more hours, nothing else will change either.

I’m more confident and positive about my life in general tonight than I have been in so long, a lot of that is due to the amazing support and help from my boyfriend and I need to express that to him more. I’m feeling more creative and as a result this will be updated more. I’m already looking up prompts/creative writing ideas to plan in my notebook tonight (if anyone has any sites that I could find those on please drop them in the comments).

Things are looking up…again. Hopefully this positivity will hang around and not be just a fleeting thing.

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I’m still here!

Been almost a month since my last blog, its been a crazy one! Im back at work and doing so much better since my upped medication has kicked in. My boyfriend and family have noticed a massive difference in my moods and I feel able to do things again normally.

Well until this past week anyway, it was mine and the boyfs first anniversary last Wednesday and obviously Valentines on Saturday and we were both off work. I can honestly say we have never argued that much. I was so stressed cos I felt like I wanted it to be perfect and it wasn’t. Like I wanted the whole romance thing again and it just felt like any other day as we both didnt have the money to do anything extravagant. I’m hoping being back at work and having a few days apart will mean we’re back to us again when we’re next together. I do know that we care very deeply about each other and I want more then anything to be with him and spend our lives together but I struggle with being completely myself with people and opening up and its more difficult then I thought it would be.

I’m a bit of a mess at the moment and I’m just hoping everything will fall into place eventually.

More Musings on A Sleepless Night

The last week/ten days have been really hard, my mood has been at an all time low, and anxiety at an all time high. Even seeing someone who is a massive inspiration to me, Jillian Michaels on her UK Maximise Your Life tour didn’t have the full ‘maximising’ push that I was expecting it too. I guess some things just can’t get past the medication and depression. I’ve barely been sleeping and as a result haven’t even been blogging.

I wanted to blog a little bit about something I’ve realised recently, it doesn’t really matter what happens to you, depression and low moods are all down to your reactions. I’ve dug out a book and cd that was very useful to me in the last ’bout of depression’ about mindfulness and meditating your way through depression (link to the actual book on amazon here). I’m only about fifty pages in at the moment and haven’t started on the actual mindfulness sections as yet but the things they talk about really got me thinking and its something I really do see myself doing a lot. It can just start with a fleeting moment of sadness and then suddenly you start thinking ‘why do I feel this way?’ then all the old patterns come up ‘last time I felt this way, this had happened, then this happened’ and it continues. Hours later you’re still ruminating over something which would have passed in minutes if you’d just accepted it and let it be when it first appeared. Recognising when this happens is a completely different thing as it can become so automatic you don’t even realise its happening or its not ‘normal’. Hopefully now I’m more aware of this it might be easier to spot.

Something I read which worried me immensely was that with each episode of depression your likelihood of another episode increases by something like 16%. It has to be due to the mindsets right? I mean you train yourself to think in such a negative way and unless you re-train then it’ll continue over and over. If I figure any of this out, I’ll let you know.

Therapy hasn’t worked for me, it was too hard and things were being brought up which I wasn’t ready to deal with. I’m really hoping doing this on my own and in my own pace will help more then being stuck in a room for an hour made to talk when a lot of the time I had nothing to say (I blame social anxiety for that one). I don’t expect therapy to be easy but thanks to the NHS when you’re on a time limit with the number of hours before you’re ‘discharged’ (which is usually only 6 sessions) its very difficult to feel comfortable and build up that rapport that I think you need with a therapist.

The medication I’m currently on isn’t having a massive affect (Sertraline 100mg for a month) other than not being able to sleep. I even resorted to taking those stupid ‘kalms sleep’ herbal tablets which left me feeling seriously sick and dizzy all day today and barely made any difference to my sleep last night. So a note to all of you, just cos something is herbal, doesn’t mean it’ll agree with you…take it from my still pretty woozy self.

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16th Jan

The last few days have been really tough on me mentally, I’ve been struggling with motivation to do anything. I got myself dressed and ready to go to the gym yesterday, then had an anxiety attack at the thought of leaving the house, put my pyjamas back on, laid back in bed and cried for half an hour. Today wasn’t much better, I was ok when I got up, after my shower things just turned. I was kinda manic (don’t like using that term but it explains things best), shaking, felt like I had to be moving and doing something…but my energy just didn’t agree with it. I wanted to scream and shout, hurt myself…something to release this tension that was building up but I couldn’t do any of those. I left my boyfriend alone in my living room and laid in bed and cried…again. Things got better once we’d had a chat and cuddle, sometimes that’s all I want, just to be held and not asked what’s wrong because I’m crying for no reason or my brain just can’t focus enough to explain what’s up.

After about an hour I was ok, then it came back. I didn’t cry this time, just sulked. It was probably not helped by not eating at all yet (this was at around 4.30pm) The tiniest things have me upset, and now I feel incredibly guilty. My boyfriend had a late start tonight at work so spent the day with me and I was sulking and crying for most of it. I just wish I could turn it off and be ok when he’s here and with me and not when I’m alone with no-one to talk too. Although I suppose if I’m gonna have thoughts of self harm again its best that there’s someone there. I really believe I will not go down that road again but its there in that moment. When all I want is that release of so much tension…maybe I need to look into alternatives. Do the whole punching pillows, ripping paper etc thing again.

Now, I’m ok, relaxed and feeling calm again. Maybe this little ‘bad day’ had been building for a while and now its done I can move on from it.

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When will it all stop?

Sometimes I wonder when it’ll stop, when I’ll get to a point where I can just be comfortable with who I am, and my body. For years I have obsessed about my weight, and this time last year I thought I’d finally got it in check. I was 240lbs seeing a personal trainer, gym five times a week, eating barely anything. Looking back I looked amazing, but at the time it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be smaller, needed to be smaller. All of my time and effort went into that, working out obsessing over it. Then I started looking into online dating, chatted to a few guys, arranged a date with someone, that someone turned into my current boyfriend and we’ve been together for a year next month. I still don’t know if its because I was happy for the first time in a long time and I just let myself go or eating patterns changed, but the weight crept back on. I kept on top of it for a while, eating takeaways a few times a week but then there was plenty of *ahem* activity that burned it off. (You can use your imagination on that one). Instead of going to the gym after work, I’d see my boyfriend, instead of working out on days off I’d see my boyfriend. Why would I want to be sweating it out and half killing myself when I could be relaxing with the man I love? I started losing weight, if I’m honest, to get men’s attention, I wanted someone to find me, gorgeous, sexy, beautiful…and I found that. I didn’t have to try anymore. I had someone who told me (and still does) daily how sexy and beautiful I was, inside and out.

In September 2014 after some stuff came to a head with work I ended up being put on another anti depressant; sertraline. The last thing on my mind was trying to maintain my weight by exercising or staying under 2000 calories a day. As a result I gained a lot, I kept gaining. As of yesterday I am at 286lbs and when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, I cover up in my boyfriends old baggy t shirts and pyjama bottoms almost all the time. The last thing I wanna do is go outside and have to find something in my wardrobe that actually hides how big I’ve gotten. I’m really working to be comfortable in my own skin, and sometimes I look in the mirror and feel amazing (like yesterday afternoon, I had a serious Kardashian ass moment going on…shame I dont have the waist etc to go along with it) but most of the time I spend hating myself.

When will it all stop? I just want to be happy with myself whatever I look, yeah my stomach might be bloated because of last nights pizza…so I’ll drink lots of water and eat better today. Instead its ‘I’m a fuckup so I’m gonna eat even more and feel even worse about myself’. I just want it to stop.

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100 Days Of Happiness

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http://instagram.com/fletchleg

I, like a lot of people I imagine, seem to focus on the negativity in life. I saw a tag on instagram this morning that got me thinking 100daysofhappiness where people post a photo of something that made them happy that day…every day for 100 days to be precise. I love that idea,  looking for the positive in the small things and sharing that. I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for a few years now and that makes it very hard to see any reason to be happy. Instead your engulfed by everything that’s wrong or could go wrong. I decided to join in on this on my instagram page, there’s a link under the picture there if anyones interested in following me on there.

Todays reason to be happy is waking up every morning to fresh filter coffee thanks to the (best ever) christmas present from my boyfriend. I am a massive coffee addict. Anything coffee flavoured, starbucks…I am so on it and having better then instant coffee waiting for me does make me happy.

I’m hoping doing this and sticking to it will help me work to find happiness and positivity when I’m feeling like nothing is worth it. So theres a challenge for you, even if you don’t share on social networking etc just look and take note of something that makes you happy everyday…the simple things.

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2015 Goals *Not Resolutions*

I don’t buy into the whole ‘new year new me’ thing thats thrown at us or new years resolutions. We end up trying so hard to do something only to get bored and give up by the end of January. So these are goals, not resolutions, inspired by my boyfriends 2015 bucket list he posted yesterday. Link there >> https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/75199095/

1. Workout regularly and try and eat healthier 80% of the time – An awful lot of time and effort have gone into my ‘get skinny’ mission over the last few years and it worked, in March last year I had lost over 90lbs and was my smallest since I was 14! Since then I started seeing my boyfriend and let my gym membership and low calorie diet slide and it crept back on very quickly…40lbs to be exact. This year I want to focus more on health and how I feel then getting bogged down with numbers again. I have a gym membership, as well as dumbbells and plenty of dvds so I have no excuse.

2. Sort out a budget and stick to it – I’ve made some pretty stupid mistakes in the last few years with online credit accounts and loans and as a result my credit file is pretty shot. I want to work on at least paying minimum payments on time and regularly, that means working out exactly what I have left each month and sticking to it. For some reason whenever I have money in my account I tend to go a bit mental and spend it then convince myself I’ll worry later. So this year I want to work on changing that.

3. Stop worrying so much – I seem to spend half of my time worrying, about stuff that’s going to happen or might happen, or happened in the past. It doesn’t matter, I just worry and drive myself completely crazy over it. I’m sick of that, because its essentially useless. Half of what I worry about never happens, and the rest never ends up as bad as I imagine.

If this blog is still up and running towards the end of the year maybe I’ll update on how I do on these.

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