‘Brain Dump’ 24/03/15

I need to stop, I am letting so much stuff build up that upsets me and I am taking it all out on the person who I care about most. The person who absolutely adores me, it’s breaking me in two.

I really don’t want to do this any more but in the moment I get so irritated at him trying to help me or keep pushing me to talk that I end up just yelling at him for talking sense or being nice to me. I’m upsetting him and it’s breaking my heart. Afterwards it feels like all I can do is apologise and want to hold him and tell him just how much he means to me, but then a few hours later its the exact same situation and I’m getting irritated and shouting about nothing. I want it to be ok, I want to be ok. Nothings been the same since Christmas and its breaking me. I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him but we seem to spend more time arguing then anything else. I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him away and I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be with him completely and be honest. Even after a year its still so hard for me.

As I write this he’s upstairs in my bed ill with food poisoning, I’ve even been snapping at him today cos I’ve had to wash duvets etc and I’m frustrated at the situation of him being sick. He deserves someone better then me, he really does.

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