‘Brain Dump’ 24/03/15

I need to stop, I am letting so much stuff build up that upsets me and I am taking it all out on the person who I care about most. The person who absolutely adores me, it’s breaking me in two.

I really don’t want to do this any more but in the moment I get so irritated at him trying to help me or keep pushing me to talk that I end up just yelling at him for talking sense or being nice to me. I’m upsetting him and it’s breaking my heart. Afterwards it feels like all I can do is apologise and want to hold him and tell him just how much he means to me, but then a few hours later its the exact same situation and I’m getting irritated and shouting about nothing. I want it to be ok, I want to be ok. Nothings been the same since Christmas and its breaking me. I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him but we seem to spend more time arguing then anything else. I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him away and I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be with him completely and be honest. Even after a year its still so hard for me.

As I write this he’s upstairs in my bed ill with food poisoning, I’ve even been snapping at him today cos I’ve had to wash duvets etc and I’m frustrated at the situation of him being sick. He deserves someone better then me, he really does.


More Musings on A Sleepless Night

The last week/ten days have been really hard, my mood has been at an all time low, and anxiety at an all time high. Even seeing someone who is a massive inspiration to me, Jillian Michaels on her UK Maximise Your Life tour didn’t have the full ‘maximising’ push that I was expecting it too. I guess some things just can’t get past the medication and depression. I’ve barely been sleeping and as a result haven’t even been blogging.

I wanted to blog a little bit about something I’ve realised recently, it doesn’t really matter what happens to you, depression and low moods are all down to your reactions. I’ve dug out a book and cd that was very useful to me in the last ’bout of depression’ about mindfulness and meditating your way through depression (link to the actual book on amazon here). I’m only about fifty pages in at the moment and haven’t started on the actual mindfulness sections as yet but the things they talk about really got me thinking and its something I really do see myself doing a lot. It can just start with a fleeting moment of sadness and then suddenly you start thinking ‘why do I feel this way?’ then all the old patterns come up ‘last time I felt this way, this had happened, then this happened’ and it continues. Hours later you’re still ruminating over something which would have passed in minutes if you’d just accepted it and let it be when it first appeared. Recognising when this happens is a completely different thing as it can become so automatic you don’t even realise its happening or its not ‘normal’. Hopefully now I’m more aware of this it might be easier to spot.

Something I read which worried me immensely was that with each episode of depression your likelihood of another episode increases by something like 16%. It has to be due to the mindsets right? I mean you train yourself to think in such a negative way and unless you re-train then it’ll continue over and over. If I figure any of this out, I’ll let you know.

Therapy hasn’t worked for me, it was too hard and things were being brought up which I wasn’t ready to deal with. I’m really hoping doing this on my own and in my own pace will help more then being stuck in a room for an hour made to talk when a lot of the time I had nothing to say (I blame social anxiety for that one). I don’t expect therapy to be easy but thanks to the NHS when you’re on a time limit with the number of hours before you’re ‘discharged’ (which is usually only 6 sessions) its very difficult to feel comfortable and build up that rapport that I think you need with a therapist.

The medication I’m currently on isn’t having a massive affect (Sertraline 100mg for a month) other than not being able to sleep. I even resorted to taking those stupid ‘kalms sleep’ herbal tablets which left me feeling seriously sick and dizzy all day today and barely made any difference to my sleep last night. So a note to all of you, just cos something is herbal, doesn’t mean it’ll agree with you…take it from my still pretty woozy self.


16th Jan

The last few days have been really tough on me mentally, I’ve been struggling with motivation to do anything. I got myself dressed and ready to go to the gym yesterday, then had an anxiety attack at the thought of leaving the house, put my pyjamas back on, laid back in bed and cried for half an hour. Today wasn’t much better, I was ok when I got up, after my shower things just turned. I was kinda manic (don’t like using that term but it explains things best), shaking, felt like I had to be moving and doing something…but my energy just didn’t agree with it. I wanted to scream and shout, hurt myself…something to release this tension that was building up but I couldn’t do any of those. I left my boyfriend alone in my living room and laid in bed and cried…again. Things got better once we’d had a chat and cuddle, sometimes that’s all I want, just to be held and not asked what’s wrong because I’m crying for no reason or my brain just can’t focus enough to explain what’s up.

After about an hour I was ok, then it came back. I didn’t cry this time, just sulked. It was probably not helped by not eating at all yet (this was at around 4.30pm) The tiniest things have me upset, and now I feel incredibly guilty. My boyfriend had a late start tonight at work so spent the day with me and I was sulking and crying for most of it. I just wish I could turn it off and be ok when he’s here and with me and not when I’m alone with no-one to talk too. Although I suppose if I’m gonna have thoughts of self harm again its best that there’s someone there. I really believe I will not go down that road again but its there in that moment. When all I want is that release of so much tension…maybe I need to look into alternatives. Do the whole punching pillows, ripping paper etc thing again.

Now, I’m ok, relaxed and feeling calm again. Maybe this little ‘bad day’ had been building for a while and now its done I can move on from it.


When will it all stop?

Sometimes I wonder when it’ll stop, when I’ll get to a point where I can just be comfortable with who I am, and my body. For years I have obsessed about my weight, and this time last year I thought I’d finally got it in check. I was 240lbs seeing a personal trainer, gym five times a week, eating barely anything. Looking back I looked amazing, but at the time it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be smaller, needed to be smaller. All of my time and effort went into that, working out obsessing over it. Then I started looking into online dating, chatted to a few guys, arranged a date with someone, that someone turned into my current boyfriend and we’ve been together for a year next month. I still don’t know if its because I was happy for the first time in a long time and I just let myself go or eating patterns changed, but the weight crept back on. I kept on top of it for a while, eating takeaways a few times a week but then there was plenty of *ahem* activity that burned it off. (You can use your imagination on that one). Instead of going to the gym after work, I’d see my boyfriend, instead of working out on days off I’d see my boyfriend. Why would I want to be sweating it out and half killing myself when I could be relaxing with the man I love? I started losing weight, if I’m honest, to get men’s attention, I wanted someone to find me, gorgeous, sexy, beautiful…and I found that. I didn’t have to try anymore. I had someone who told me (and still does) daily how sexy and beautiful I was, inside and out.

In September 2014 after some stuff came to a head with work I ended up being put on another anti depressant; sertraline. The last thing on my mind was trying to maintain my weight by exercising or staying under 2000 calories a day. As a result I gained a lot, I kept gaining. As of yesterday I am at 286lbs and when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, I cover up in my boyfriends old baggy t shirts and pyjama bottoms almost all the time. The last thing I wanna do is go outside and have to find something in my wardrobe that actually hides how big I’ve gotten. I’m really working to be comfortable in my own skin, and sometimes I look in the mirror and feel amazing (like yesterday afternoon, I had a serious Kardashian ass moment going on…shame I dont have the waist etc to go along with it) but most of the time I spend hating myself.

When will it all stop? I just want to be happy with myself whatever I look, yeah my stomach might be bloated because of last nights pizza…so I’ll drink lots of water and eat better today. Instead its ‘I’m a fuckup so I’m gonna eat even more and feel even worse about myself’. I just want it to stop.


100 Days Of Happiness



I, like a lot of people I imagine, seem to focus on the negativity in life. I saw a tag on instagram this morning that got me thinking 100daysofhappiness where people post a photo of something that made them happy that day…every day for 100 days to be precise. I love that idea,  looking for the positive in the small things and sharing that. I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for a few years now and that makes it very hard to see any reason to be happy. Instead your engulfed by everything that’s wrong or could go wrong. I decided to join in on this on my instagram page, there’s a link under the picture there if anyones interested in following me on there.

Todays reason to be happy is waking up every morning to fresh filter coffee thanks to the (best ever) christmas present from my boyfriend. I am a massive coffee addict. Anything coffee flavoured, starbucks…I am so on it and having better then instant coffee waiting for me does make me happy.

I’m hoping doing this and sticking to it will help me work to find happiness and positivity when I’m feeling like nothing is worth it. So theres a challenge for you, even if you don’t share on social networking etc just look and take note of something that makes you happy everyday…the simple things.


It’s break time…

After speaking to my doctor earlier today I have taken her advice to take some time out and she signed me off work for two weeks. As I write this I have mixed feelings about it, that damn box was driving me to insanity and I know this will be a positive thing in the long run, yet I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m not ill enough to justify that. I’m depressed, there is no denying that, but my job isn’t physically demanding so surely I can just get on with it? I’m not spending my days sobbing into my pillow or hurting myself again so why can’t I be in work for the four or five days over the next two weeks? But then I’ll never be ‘ill’ enough to justify it in my own head.

I’ve started and edited this post about twenty times and I can’t get out what I want to explain so I’m taking the pressure off myself and hopefully that’ll help a bit in getting it down and out there. 

My manager wasn’t too happy about it, but I desperately need a few days to just relax completely and find myself again. Christmas was an insane amount of pressure for me, not being able to be alone and surrounded by people all the time as well as working and the worry of family mixing with my boyfriend and the thought of fights etc. I spent way too much time worrying about what could possibly happen and in reality it was wonderful. I just feel like I’ve been all go since then and like I’m on the edge of something terrible happening if I don’t change something. I realise that’s probably the anxiety and not a legitimate fear but in the moment its difficult to decipher between the two.

I’ve had the last two days off, today has been stressful worrying about what family/work thinks of my choice etc and so I need the weekend to relax a bit. Switch off, get plenty of sleep and read. I’m really looking forward to not doing much at all except relaxing and probably lots of cuddles and movie afternoons with my boyfriend