‘Brain Dump’ 24/03/15

I need to stop, I am letting so much stuff build up that upsets me and I am taking it all out on the person who I care about most. The person who absolutely adores me, it’s breaking me in two.

I really don’t want to do this any more but in the moment I get so irritated at him trying to help me or keep pushing me to talk that I end up just yelling at him for talking sense or being nice to me. I’m upsetting him and it’s breaking my heart. Afterwards it feels like all I can do is apologise and want to hold him and tell him just how much he means to me, but then a few hours later its the exact same situation and I’m getting irritated and shouting about nothing. I want it to be ok, I want to be ok. Nothings been the same since Christmas and its breaking me. I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him but we seem to spend more time arguing then anything else. I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him away and I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be with him completely and be honest. Even after a year its still so hard for me.

As I write this he’s upstairs in my bed ill with food poisoning, I’ve even been snapping at him today cos I’ve had to wash duvets etc and I’m frustrated at the situation of him being sick. He deserves someone better then me, he really does.

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I can’t write anymore

I have all these lists of prompts that I love the sound of, so many ideas floating around my head but then when I sit down and try to get them into a coherent sentence; nothing. Or it sounds so awful that I just give up after ten minutes and delete the file. I’ve read about side effects of anti depressants etc and it can make people feel ‘numb’ but is it because of this I can’t write?

Maybe I’m just not meant to do this, maybe it’ll just be one of those things that I’ll always think ‘I’d love to do that’. I tried writing and I can’t even write enough to justify failing at it; which is so much worse. The past few weeks personally have been emotionally and mentally draining and just bizarre. I can’t seem to function properly, it’s the weirdest thing. I just don’t feel right. Not that I have a clue what ‘right’ is of course. It’d be nice to find a comfortable place but every things just changing right now and its taking me longer to adjust. I need to write now, if I get this job I went for yesterday I’ll barely have any free time left to do anything. Maybe one of those ‘free writing things’ where I just sit and type for 10 minutes without even thinking, see where it goes.

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I’m still here!

Been almost a month since my last blog, its been a crazy one! Im back at work and doing so much better since my upped medication has kicked in. My boyfriend and family have noticed a massive difference in my moods and I feel able to do things again normally.

Well until this past week anyway, it was mine and the boyfs first anniversary last Wednesday and obviously Valentines on Saturday and we were both off work. I can honestly say we have never argued that much. I was so stressed cos I felt like I wanted it to be perfect and it wasn’t. Like I wanted the whole romance thing again and it just felt like any other day as we both didnt have the money to do anything extravagant. I’m hoping being back at work and having a few days apart will mean we’re back to us again when we’re next together. I do know that we care very deeply about each other and I want more then anything to be with him and spend our lives together but I struggle with being completely myself with people and opening up and its more difficult then I thought it would be.

I’m a bit of a mess at the moment and I’m just hoping everything will fall into place eventually.

16th Jan

The last few days have been really tough on me mentally, I’ve been struggling with motivation to do anything. I got myself dressed and ready to go to the gym yesterday, then had an anxiety attack at the thought of leaving the house, put my pyjamas back on, laid back in bed and cried for half an hour. Today wasn’t much better, I was ok when I got up, after my shower things just turned. I was kinda manic (don’t like using that term but it explains things best), shaking, felt like I had to be moving and doing something…but my energy just didn’t agree with it. I wanted to scream and shout, hurt myself…something to release this tension that was building up but I couldn’t do any of those. I left my boyfriend alone in my living room and laid in bed and cried…again. Things got better once we’d had a chat and cuddle, sometimes that’s all I want, just to be held and not asked what’s wrong because I’m crying for no reason or my brain just can’t focus enough to explain what’s up.

After about an hour I was ok, then it came back. I didn’t cry this time, just sulked. It was probably not helped by not eating at all yet (this was at around 4.30pm) The tiniest things have me upset, and now I feel incredibly guilty. My boyfriend had a late start tonight at work so spent the day with me and I was sulking and crying for most of it. I just wish I could turn it off and be ok when he’s here and with me and not when I’m alone with no-one to talk too. Although I suppose if I’m gonna have thoughts of self harm again its best that there’s someone there. I really believe I will not go down that road again but its there in that moment. When all I want is that release of so much tension…maybe I need to look into alternatives. Do the whole punching pillows, ripping paper etc thing again.

Now, I’m ok, relaxed and feeling calm again. Maybe this little ‘bad day’ had been building for a while and now its done I can move on from it.

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When will it all stop?

Sometimes I wonder when it’ll stop, when I’ll get to a point where I can just be comfortable with who I am, and my body. For years I have obsessed about my weight, and this time last year I thought I’d finally got it in check. I was 240lbs seeing a personal trainer, gym five times a week, eating barely anything. Looking back I looked amazing, but at the time it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be smaller, needed to be smaller. All of my time and effort went into that, working out obsessing over it. Then I started looking into online dating, chatted to a few guys, arranged a date with someone, that someone turned into my current boyfriend and we’ve been together for a year next month. I still don’t know if its because I was happy for the first time in a long time and I just let myself go or eating patterns changed, but the weight crept back on. I kept on top of it for a while, eating takeaways a few times a week but then there was plenty of *ahem* activity that burned it off. (You can use your imagination on that one). Instead of going to the gym after work, I’d see my boyfriend, instead of working out on days off I’d see my boyfriend. Why would I want to be sweating it out and half killing myself when I could be relaxing with the man I love? I started losing weight, if I’m honest, to get men’s attention, I wanted someone to find me, gorgeous, sexy, beautiful…and I found that. I didn’t have to try anymore. I had someone who told me (and still does) daily how sexy and beautiful I was, inside and out.

In September 2014 after some stuff came to a head with work I ended up being put on another anti depressant; sertraline. The last thing on my mind was trying to maintain my weight by exercising or staying under 2000 calories a day. As a result I gained a lot, I kept gaining. As of yesterday I am at 286lbs and when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, I cover up in my boyfriends old baggy t shirts and pyjama bottoms almost all the time. The last thing I wanna do is go outside and have to find something in my wardrobe that actually hides how big I’ve gotten. I’m really working to be comfortable in my own skin, and sometimes I look in the mirror and feel amazing (like yesterday afternoon, I had a serious Kardashian ass moment going on…shame I dont have the waist etc to go along with it) but most of the time I spend hating myself.

When will it all stop? I just want to be happy with myself whatever I look, yeah my stomach might be bloated because of last nights pizza…so I’ll drink lots of water and eat better today. Instead its ‘I’m a fuckup so I’m gonna eat even more and feel even worse about myself’. I just want it to stop.

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2015 Goals *Not Resolutions*

I don’t buy into the whole ‘new year new me’ thing thats thrown at us or new years resolutions. We end up trying so hard to do something only to get bored and give up by the end of January. So these are goals, not resolutions, inspired by my boyfriends 2015 bucket list he posted yesterday. Link there >> https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/75199095/

1. Workout regularly and try and eat healthier 80% of the time – An awful lot of time and effort have gone into my ‘get skinny’ mission over the last few years and it worked, in March last year I had lost over 90lbs and was my smallest since I was 14! Since then I started seeing my boyfriend and let my gym membership and low calorie diet slide and it crept back on very quickly…40lbs to be exact. This year I want to focus more on health and how I feel then getting bogged down with numbers again. I have a gym membership, as well as dumbbells and plenty of dvds so I have no excuse.

2. Sort out a budget and stick to it – I’ve made some pretty stupid mistakes in the last few years with online credit accounts and loans and as a result my credit file is pretty shot. I want to work on at least paying minimum payments on time and regularly, that means working out exactly what I have left each month and sticking to it. For some reason whenever I have money in my account I tend to go a bit mental and spend it then convince myself I’ll worry later. So this year I want to work on changing that.

3. Stop worrying so much – I seem to spend half of my time worrying, about stuff that’s going to happen or might happen, or happened in the past. It doesn’t matter, I just worry and drive myself completely crazy over it. I’m sick of that, because its essentially useless. Half of what I worry about never happens, and the rest never ends up as bad as I imagine.

If this blog is still up and running towards the end of the year maybe I’ll update on how I do on these.

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