‘Brain Dump’ 24/03/15

I need to stop, I am letting so much stuff build up that upsets me and I am taking it all out on the person who I care about most. The person who absolutely adores me, it’s breaking me in two.

I really don’t want to do this any more but in the moment I get so irritated at him trying to help me or keep pushing me to talk that I end up just yelling at him for talking sense or being nice to me. I’m upsetting him and it’s breaking my heart. Afterwards it feels like all I can do is apologise and want to hold him and tell him just how much he means to me, but then a few hours later its the exact same situation and I’m getting irritated and shouting about nothing. I want it to be ok, I want to be ok. Nothings been the same since Christmas and its breaking me. I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with him but we seem to spend more time arguing then anything else. I feel like I’m subconsciously pushing him away and I don’t know why I can’t just allow myself to be with him completely and be honest. Even after a year its still so hard for me.

As I write this he’s upstairs in my bed ill with food poisoning, I’ve even been snapping at him today cos I’ve had to wash duvets etc and I’m frustrated at the situation of him being sick. He deserves someone better then me, he really does.

Soulmate

“A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, friendship,intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust.” – Source: Wikipedia

The idea that somewhere in the world there exists one person specifically designed by a higher power just to spend their lives with you, it sounds so unrealistic. When I was younger I always thought it’d be easy, you meet someone in the street, fall in love and that’s it.

It took me a number of years to realise that if I wanted to meet someone I couldn’t just expect them to come to me I had to put myself out there. Even going as far as using online dating (I don’t think it has quite the taboo anymore with sites like Tinder and OK Cupid being so popular with people in their 20s and 30s.) Through that I spoke to a number of people, only meeting two of them, the second turned out to be my ‘soul mate’. I don’t use that word lightly, at all especially as this person was also my first ‘boyfriend’. Maybe your first love always feels like this. I just feel like I know, nothing else could come close to it. It just fits. Sexually, emotionally, even on a completely platonic level we can talk and it was so easy and comfortable. Even now over a year after we met sometimes when we kiss I have to remind myself to breathe. Is that just lust? That’s what so many ‘non believers’ try and convince us. It’ll all fade away and once it does you’ll hate the sight of each other. Maybe it will fade away, maybe in a few years we won’t be kissing or having sex on a regular basis. But I feel like there’s enough of a deep emotional connection there that it doesn’t matter. Even when we’re not ‘ripping each others clothes off with animalistic lust’ I still want to spend time with him. That I believe is what a soul mate is. Not just your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife etc, but your best friend. The person who you call first thing after work or on your lunch break when you’ve had a tough day, just to hear their voice calms you. I’ve found that with him.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, marriage, children, whatever. But I do know that in this moment I’m willing to fight to be with him, it won’t always be simple but when it is, its so perfect that it makes everything so worth it.

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Dear 18 year old me

So where to start, things are gonna get a little bit crazy over the next few years. University starting, moving out, boys, sex, drink etc. Although if I’m honest more drink then we’d like and not nearly enough of the boys or sex.

First things first, the boy stuff. One guy will come along very soon, he’ll charm you and make you feel so so amazing. But please don’t get so caught up in him, I’m not gonna ruin things for you but please just don’t be naive when it comes to men. There will be plenty of time for ‘falling in love’ and finding the one in a few years time. Be confident, if you find a guy attractive, you go out and you kiss him, sleep with him. Nothing bad will happen, he might upset you for a week or two, then you’ll be back out there dancing with someone else. I promise you. You’ll regret not putting yourself out there so much more then the embarrassment of being turned down, trust me.

Now I don’t want to worry you, but you have to hear this…what you’re feeling sometimes, that horrible sadness that comes over you for no reason. Don’t blame yourself for it. You’re not weak, or ridiculous. It’s something you can’t control all the time but you can refuse to let it beat you. Take time out for a few hours, hell even a few days if you need it, lock yourself away and cry until you have no tears left. And then you get yourself out of that bed, shower and go and show the world how truly fabulous you are. Paint a fake smile on and the real one will follow. You have so much more strength then you think. You are truly beautiful, don’t be afraid to show it off.

Most importantly, the next few years will teach you so much. It’ll be an amazing rollercoaster ride that you will miss so much when it’s done. Enjoy every minute and try not to blow every penny of your student loan and overdraft before the end of term, it’ll make things a whole lot easier.

Love and kisses your older (slightly wiser) 25 year old self

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I’m still here!

Been almost a month since my last blog, its been a crazy one! Im back at work and doing so much better since my upped medication has kicked in. My boyfriend and family have noticed a massive difference in my moods and I feel able to do things again normally.

Well until this past week anyway, it was mine and the boyfs first anniversary last Wednesday and obviously Valentines on Saturday and we were both off work. I can honestly say we have never argued that much. I was so stressed cos I felt like I wanted it to be perfect and it wasn’t. Like I wanted the whole romance thing again and it just felt like any other day as we both didnt have the money to do anything extravagant. I’m hoping being back at work and having a few days apart will mean we’re back to us again when we’re next together. I do know that we care very deeply about each other and I want more then anything to be with him and spend our lives together but I struggle with being completely myself with people and opening up and its more difficult then I thought it would be.

I’m a bit of a mess at the moment and I’m just hoping everything will fall into place eventually.