642 Things to Write About..

When away in Dublin earlier this week I found this absolute gem of a book in Urban Outfitters.

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Basically filled with 642 prompts and space to write for every single one. My lovely boyfriend bought it for me on the condition that I use it and fill it gradually. So I started today, with the very first one:

What Can Happen In A Second’

Life can begin and end, everything you know and love can come crashing down around you in a single second. That’s part of life, never knowing what will happen in the next second. Its terrifying when you think abut it in depth, never knowing one second what will happen in the next. But if you knew, if you had a list, a timeline of what would happen every second; who would actually read it? Would we be happier if we knew what is about to happen, every second, minute, hour, day of our lives?

I’m not 100% happy with it but its getting me writing again and I do find free writing and prompts etc to be very therapeutic and it’s only gonna make me a better writer in the long run, even if nothing ever comes of it. I enjoy it.

In other news I had a job interview with a rival company to the one I currently work for this morning (on Good Friday of all days, very weird choice of day) and it went really well so fingers crossed in the next month I’ll be out of my much hated current box and into a new spangly shiny one with more money and hours 😀 YAY!

Much Love

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Soulmate

“A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, friendship,intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust.” – Source: Wikipedia

The idea that somewhere in the world there exists one person specifically designed by a higher power just to spend their lives with you, it sounds so unrealistic. When I was younger I always thought it’d be easy, you meet someone in the street, fall in love and that’s it.

It took me a number of years to realise that if I wanted to meet someone I couldn’t just expect them to come to me I had to put myself out there. Even going as far as using online dating (I don’t think it has quite the taboo anymore with sites like Tinder and OK Cupid being so popular with people in their 20s and 30s.) Through that I spoke to a number of people, only meeting two of them, the second turned out to be my ‘soul mate’. I don’t use that word lightly, at all especially as this person was also my first ‘boyfriend’. Maybe your first love always feels like this. I just feel like I know, nothing else could come close to it. It just fits. Sexually, emotionally, even on a completely platonic level we can talk and it was so easy and comfortable. Even now over a year after we met sometimes when we kiss I have to remind myself to breathe. Is that just lust? That’s what so many ‘non believers’ try and convince us. It’ll all fade away and once it does you’ll hate the sight of each other. Maybe it will fade away, maybe in a few years we won’t be kissing or having sex on a regular basis. But I feel like there’s enough of a deep emotional connection there that it doesn’t matter. Even when we’re not ‘ripping each others clothes off with animalistic lust’ I still want to spend time with him. That I believe is what a soul mate is. Not just your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband/wife etc, but your best friend. The person who you call first thing after work or on your lunch break when you’ve had a tough day, just to hear their voice calms you. I’ve found that with him.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, marriage, children, whatever. But I do know that in this moment I’m willing to fight to be with him, it won’t always be simple but when it is, its so perfect that it makes everything so worth it.

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I can’t write anymore

I have all these lists of prompts that I love the sound of, so many ideas floating around my head but then when I sit down and try to get them into a coherent sentence; nothing. Or it sounds so awful that I just give up after ten minutes and delete the file. I’ve read about side effects of anti depressants etc and it can make people feel ‘numb’ but is it because of this I can’t write?

Maybe I’m just not meant to do this, maybe it’ll just be one of those things that I’ll always think ‘I’d love to do that’. I tried writing and I can’t even write enough to justify failing at it; which is so much worse. The past few weeks personally have been emotionally and mentally draining and just bizarre. I can’t seem to function properly, it’s the weirdest thing. I just don’t feel right. Not that I have a clue what ‘right’ is of course. It’d be nice to find a comfortable place but every things just changing right now and its taking me longer to adjust. I need to write now, if I get this job I went for yesterday I’ll barely have any free time left to do anything. Maybe one of those ‘free writing things’ where I just sit and type for 10 minutes without even thinking, see where it goes.

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Goals and General Update

I spent the last few weeks not really bothering with fitness/weightloss Other things were on my mind and it felt so much easier to just eat whatever and relax in my spare time. Now I’m beginning to see changes, massive changed actually, that I don’t like. I’m extremely bloated and just feeling rubbish. I’ve been to the gym three times this week but its been pure comfort eating every night, not just having the odd bar of chocolate…takeaways, binging on Krispy Kreme, crisps, etc whatever I could get my hands on.

I need to get on the scales tomorrow morning, give myself a starting point, a new starting point to focus on fitness and my health. I want to do another run, there’s a 10k in about 5 months time which I’m aiming for at the moment but in all honesty I think its a longshot that I’d be ready in time. The 5k in September (the weekend of the Great North Run) is happening either way. I feel much stronger emotionally and like I can move on with a new chapter. I feel like I’m able to do these things again. I applied for four jobs tonight, FOUR. I want to better myself, I want to be in a position where I can move out of my parents and move onto the next level in my relationship by living together. The job I’m in at the moment might be my ‘comfort blanket’ but if I don’t change it, either get a contract with more hours or move to find more hours, nothing else will change either.

I’m more confident and positive about my life in general tonight than I have been in so long, a lot of that is due to the amazing support and help from my boyfriend and I need to express that to him more. I’m feeling more creative and as a result this will be updated more. I’m already looking up prompts/creative writing ideas to plan in my notebook tonight (if anyone has any sites that I could find those on please drop them in the comments).

Things are looking up…again. Hopefully this positivity will hang around and not be just a fleeting thing.

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